Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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