If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
