i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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