I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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