btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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