Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
