my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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