I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
