god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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