it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
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Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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