Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
