sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I did not marry a roomba.
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