I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
