She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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