im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
