38 yer olds are good kisserssss
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
