did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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