don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
