I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
worst night to have a conscience
I checked into jail on foursquare
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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