And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
