You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
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I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
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Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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