I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
