there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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