I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
