Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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