i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Holy shit dude........stairs
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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