i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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