so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
