I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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