It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
