I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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