yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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