yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
