just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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