dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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