From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
