Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Randomize
