My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
