She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
