I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
