What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.