My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Randomize
