His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
