i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
