He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
