Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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