Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
