I wish my penis had an off switch
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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