If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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