Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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