FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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