Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
