i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
