Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
