You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
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High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
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I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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