i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
