1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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