Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
