well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
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She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
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Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?