I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
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The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
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The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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