Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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